


POV: You are Hisoka and Illumi’s Relationship Therapist

by BigGlobbyTears



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-23
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:35:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26069578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BigGlobbyTears/pseuds/BigGlobbyTears
Summary: As the go-to therapist for every contract killer, professional thief, a general rule breaker in the international underworld, you’d assumed that you had seen it all. Even so, it doesn’t take long for you to realize that your two newest clients will be anything but typical.
Relationships: Hisoka (Hunter x Hunter)/Reader, Hisoka/Illumi Zoldyck, Illumi Zoldyck/Reader
Comments: 10
Kudos: 111





	POV: You are Hisoka and Illumi’s Relationship Therapist

**Author's Note:**

> My contribution to Hisoillu week!  
> I had never before written these two, but there’s a first time for everything, and I had a whole bunch of fun with this. I have the other chapters of this plotted out, and it’s not going to be too long but I’m excited to get it done. Eventually the tags will make sense lol, with more tags to come!
> 
> Original idea credit of this goes to my good friend and Hisoillu master Sunmi! They also illustrated the gorgeous picture that goes with this that I CANNOT stop looking at!! Go and check out more of their incredible fanart @kirbystarflower on twitter, I promise you that you wont regret it!!!

They say that it’s good luck to have a bird shit on your head. It’s such a cosmically unlucky thing to happen that the world has to repay in some way afterward. However, that's assuming that the world has any sense of balance, and in your line of work you’ve learned that there is no universal scale of “good” and “bad”, because in that case you would have birds shitting on your head every day. 

It’s not exactly that you are a bad person, but you certainly help bad people. You hadn’t planned for this to become your specialty, but you couldn’t play dumb: No matter how much it feels like it, you don’t become the premiere couples counselor for the seedy underworld of criminals by accident.

The first time it had happened, when you had been fresh out of your phd program, drowning in debt, and desperate for any client that would hire you, you found it surprisingly easy to turn off a switch in your soul and let yourself forget what your clients did outside of your office. You had started with helping members of the mafia, people who had affairs, fought over children, money, petty things that got in the way of their romantic lives. from there, you slowly started getting hired by bigger names in the world of professional killers, murderers inside and outside of the law, and master thieves of all types. You’d even had a few Hunters come through your office. To you, they all became anonymous, a set of egos and fears that needed guidance. To them, you were someone who could keep their mouth shut and the divorce at bay.

So maybe that’s why that bird picked that day, in that parking lot, to punish you from the heavens. You meditated on this while you were facedown in the sink of the sterile bathroom of the bland office building you ran your practice out of, trying to not get water on your already shabby clothes. You ran your hands through your shaggy hair a few times with handsoap, before putting your head below the automatic hand dryer. One look in the mirror confirmed it: You were about to make a rough first impression to your 10 o’clock clients. Oh well, usually by the time they come to you they are so focused on tearing each other’s throats out that they couldn’t care what you looked like.

This is why you were caught off guard when upon entering your office you found someone already sitting there. They were sitting perfectly still in one of the comfy sofa chairs you had in front your desk, and looking so eerie and out of place that you nearly jumped out of your skin in surprise. They turned their head slightly to look at you, and you were reminded of the way a haunted ventriloquist dummy might move in a b-horror movie.  
They weren’t ugly, not exactly. Their skin was deathly pale, like a porcelain shell. their dark hair hung long and loose against their straight shoulders, and their eyes looked simply… too large for their head. You cleared you throat in surprise.

“Oh! Hello do you… have an appointment?”  
You don't know what kind of voice you imagined them having, but the one that came out was calm and monotone, without timbre or excitement.   
“I have one soon. I came early.”  
“Oh I… I see.”  
You edged around the side of the room, not knowing why but giving them a wide berth, until you reached your chair. Self-consciously you crossed your hands in your lap, still hyper aware of the damp cuffs on your blazer.   
“Well I hope you don’t mind, but I have a waiting room that you could wait in until your partner comes-“  
“He will be late.”  
Well, already assuming the worst of their partner, so jot that down.   
“Okay then, would you like to still give him until the official start time-“  
“I actually had a few questions for you.”

This person was obviously trying to gain the upper hand while crossing your boundaries, and you weren’t about to let that happen. You don’t become the therapist for every killer with a complex for no reason.

“Okay then, we can start now if you’d like, but I’m going to have to charge you for a double session.”  
“That’s fine.”  
“Great, name and pronouns?”  
“Illumi, he/him.”  
“Wonderful, my name is Dr. Noname, they/them, he/him, or she/her are all fine. What burning questions can I answer for you, Illumi?”

His face remained perfectly still through the entire exchange, and those eyes… They still kept staring. You definitely hadn’t seen him blink once yet, and you were pretty sure you never would.

Illumi restudied your face, leaning forward just a bit.

“I wanted to ask you a few questions about your history. A yes or no answer will be fine.”  
“Shoot.”  
“Are you licensed from a legitimate mental health medical institution?”  
“Yes.”  
“Did you attend all four years, and an additional two years for a master’s?”  
“Yep, and another three for my PhD.”  
“Just yes or no will be fine. Do you have any family in the mafia, the phantom troupe, the hunters association, or a similarly aligned organization?”  
“No.” Your family ran an artisanal tourist boutique in North Saherta, and they never have or will know anything about your job.  
“Have you ever received money or bribes from anyone in these groups outside of payment for your services?”  
“No.”  
“Do you think killing is wrong?”  
“I don’t think that matters.”  
“Yes or no answer, please.”  
“No, then.”  
“Thank you. Are you afraid to die?”  
“Yes.”  
“How many times have you been in a failed relationship?”  
“That’s not a yes or no question.”  
“Have you been in more than five failed relationships?”  
“No.”  
“Are you currently in a relationship?”  
“No.”  
Illumi took a small pause, like he was mentally noting something. You couldn’t help but roll your eyes a little and leaned forward, resting your elbows on your desk.

“Look, Illumi, It’s okay if you don’t trust me at first. My clientele is very specific, and I understand if you want to wait until we get to know each other better before you start opening up to me. Let’s wait until your partner arrives before you make a call on whether or not we’re the right fit.”

Illumi raised his eyebrows, and nodded. He leaned back into his chair and fell silent. It was freaky how still he was, just like a haunted doll lying in wait. You mentally shrugged, and let him sit there as you organized the papers on your desk. 

Just like Illumi had said, his partner was late. Twenty minutes late, to be exact, during which Illumi sat motionless and vacant. Not upset, exactly, just… in stasis. Then, before you could even hear the turning of a knob outside, Illumi turned his body to look at the door, like a cat perking up its ears.

You had never experienced a client entering their therapy appointment like a guest on a daytime talkshow, but there was a first for everything. When Hisoka entered they swung open the door, arms akimbo and a broad smile on their pointed face. as they strode towards illumi, ignoring you, you had a chance to psychically digest this person’s entire look. Long, lithe, with broad hips and shoulders giving them a perfect hourglass, and wearing a patterned jumpsuit that could only be described as “Court Jester-Chic”. Their face was powdered like an old aristocrat, with a star and tear drop painted on in pastel colors, and their hair shot back from their face and was pulled into an immobile knife point. Their bare arms were thick and viciously muscular. You could tell that, just as with illumi, this was not a person who sat by and let others do their killing. No, this was someone who was in their business, whatever it was, through passion for their craft.

When Hisoka reached illumi you expected them to say something, or sit stiffly next to him like most partnerships that found themselves in counseling, but instead Hisoka twined their arms around Illumi’s neck from behind, and leaned their caked cheek against the velvet of Illumi’s long hair. They looked at you, but spoke to Illumi.

[ ](https://freeimage.host/i/d8XlzG)

“Pincushion, can you explain to me why you made me come to this dreadfully dull place? Are we here to kill this person?” Their voice was unctuous and smooth, although not unpleasant. Illumi blinked slightly, face barely changing.  
“No Hisoka, it’s therapy. Didn’t you get my text?”  
“Pinprick, you send extremely long texts, sometimes describing many parts of something that don’t need to be detailed. Whyever do you need therapy?”  
At this point, you clear your throat pointedly, realizing that some clarification is in order.

“Actually, this is therapy specifically for couples who need support with their relationship. Counseling, if you will. I’m Dr. Noname, and I go by all pronouns. Could I have your name and pronouns?”

Hisoka grinned next to Illumi’s ear, curling their fingers into his hair. Smiling did not suit them.  
“Hisoka. Use any you’d like, most use he.” Again, he spoke to Illumi.  
“This is a little ridiculous. I think this is a part of most relationships that doesn’t quite apply to us.”  
You swear you see Illumi stiffen, just a bit. “Just try it out. It’s a bother to keep figuring out our problems all on our own.” 

Much more easily than you thought would happen, Hisoka shrugged and slid into the chair next to illumi, lounging and completely relaxed compared to the statue next to him. You were surprised, usually the less enthusiastic party needed to be chided and argued into accepting help, with them storming out, fighting, being dragged back in, and finally pouting like a child after a tantrum. These were probably going to be two... extremely unique clients. No reason to think that you could expect anything typical from them.

You decided to start out with the standard.  
“When did you two meet?”  
“When I was at work.” It was Illumi who spoke.  
“And did you two know each other beforehand?”  
“No.”  
“When did you first start seeing each other romantically?”  
“We first interacted physically about twenty minutes after I finished with work.”  
“...Okay. Anything that struck you with your first impressions?”

Illumi had to think on this. Hisoka rolled his eyes, and didn’t answer. Finally Illumi said: “I thought that he looked interesting. I also thought he was rather adequate for a hobbyist.”

Hisoka shot another playful smile over to Illumi. You waited, in silence, for him to answer the question. Honestly? He was starting to bother you. You didn’t really care if he took this seriously or not, but he was reminding you of a class bully who always calls you by the wrong name on purpose. It was obvious that if any conversation was going to happen, it would only be between you and Illumi. So be it.

“How long have you two been together? Has it been, I guess you would say, “traditional”? Dating and what-not?”

“It’s been six years since we met, but I don’t think we knew each other’s names until later. We would find each other, swimming in the same circles, and when it worked we would spend time together again. I’m not quite sure what qualifies as a date, but I doubt ours are similar to others. Either way, I like spending time with him.”

Well, it wasn’t unusual for a criminal couple to start rather carnally. You guessed it just went hand in hand with the type of personality that the lifestyle attracted. 

“When did you first start finding each other outside of work? Did one of you make the move to make it more… intentional?”

Illumi cocked his head, obviously trying to remember. Hisoka still sat completely at ease, having swung his legs over the armrest, and were inspecting his manicured nails. Great. Finally Illumi answered.

“I think it was me. I had had a difficult day, family matters and such, so I purposefully let slip where I was into a channel I knew he’d be checking. We found a hotel room together and spent a lot of time there. It was nice, there wasn’t anything else to attend to for at least a few days.”  
“Well,-“  
“We had a lot of sex, I mean. For a few days, at least.”  
“I see. Thanks for the clarification.”

Okay, it wasn’t exactly conventional, but you’d take it. Still, two thoughts were starting to float up to the top of your mind, just based off of these first impressions: One was that this was relationship counseling, and there was nothing that Illumi had laid out so far that proved that this was an actual, well, relationship. Friends with benefits (or possibly just… strangers with benefits?) didn’t seem worth the money and trouble of building a foundation of respect and communication.   
The second thought was that whatever this relationship was, Illumi cared a lot more than Hisoka. Illumi was the one pushing for them to be here, and was the only one putting in even a shred of effort. You tried not to take sides, but looking at the bratty clown who couldn’t even sit like an adult made you assume that this was all just a joke to him, just a passing fancy, which seemed like a real shame. After all, no matter how creepy the vibes illumi gave off were, he still deserved respect.

“When you look at your relationship now, do you know where you want it to go?”  
“I’d just assumed we would stay like this until we died. Together, although hopefully even moreso.”

Wow. A bit more dramatic than you had expected. But again, it was only from Illumi. This guy had it bad, and Hisoka…. He couldn’t seem bothered to contribute a single thing to the conversation. 

This had gone on for long enough. You turned your body to address Hisoka directly.

“So, Hisoka. Do you agree with what Illumi has said?”  
Hisoka shot you his extremely unflattering grin once again. “Not… particularly.”  
“Why?”  
“Because it isn’t all correct.”  
“Any part you have in mind?”  
“Hmmm” Hisoka hummed in response to this, and you realized that he was purposefully toying with you. He didn’t want to say anything, and probably just wanted to run out the clock so that he’d never have to come again. 

Well, tough luck for him, because you still had 20 more minutes to pin him down. He was going to answer something, and it was time for a direct attack.

“Pardon, my candor, Hisoka,” to this he raised his eyebrows, “but it’s quite clear to me that you are not really engaging with the session.”  
“No, I guess I’m not.”  
“I have to say, that’s a very cowardly thing to do.” 

It was purposefully poking at it, but you couldn’t help it. He was being cowardly, when he could just do the bare minimum and make everyone’s lives easier. Hisoka narrowed his eyes, and his mouth twisted. You continued.  
“What I’m seeing is that Illumi is trying to build something here. He’s helping me understand your relationship, and maybe he has more faith in you than I do. In my opinion, your chance to be a better partner starts here.”

Hisoka took his legs down, and leaned forward, elbows on his knees. There was something… mask-like about his face, and you knew that you were stepping your foot into a dangerous territory. If Hisoka chose to be anything beyond annoyed, you maybe had done something quite stupid. But, when his voice came out, it still had a petulant tinge.   
“I don’t see why you would claim to know about my…. quality as a partner.”

“If I’m wrong, feel free to show me why. I can only go off of what I know.”

Hisoka spoke differently, blunt and quick.   
“Like Illumi said, we are going to be together until we die, however that will be, so I find your presence here tiring and unnecessary. I can’t see the use in answering this useless trivia, especially from someone who seems so utterly clueless of the danger they could be in. I don’t want to kill you because I’ve promised not to kill any more of Illumi’s employees, and luckily for you, he is the one paying you. If you are so ready to jump into our lives, here: Our first date was not at the hotel.” Hisoka turned to look at Illumi “Three weeks beforehand I had you dine with me on a rooftop in Yorknew city, one that was a bother to find because you have the ridiculous favorite food of frog legs fried in butter. We had dinner, talked, and walked all around the city until past midnight.”

Illumi tapped his finger on his chin. “Oh, I guess you could call that a date…I thought it was just us hanging out?” He turned to Hisoka, as if lightly debating the validity of the term “date”. Hisoka wagged his finger.

“Aha, still counts, I believe. Especially because I paid.” Hisoka turned to you.

“I don’t think you have solid rules on what does and doesn’t define these things, but to answer your other questions: I chose to start pursuing something real with Illumi the second time we saw each other. I had passed off the first time as a fluke but… Since you are making assumptions here I’ll spell it out for you: I’m not one to seek out the company of others. I saw Illumi for a second time and,” Hisoka looked at Illumi and their gaze caught each other, and suddenly they looked completely lovesick over each other, eyes ravenous. Illumi asked, a little breathy  
“...And?”

Hisoka narrowed his eyes again, suddenly looking quite beautiful, his face open and gentle. “I had the same thought from when I first sensed you, that one day… I wanted to kill you more than anyone else in the world.”  
Well, that was a little out of left field. You almost opened your mouth to object when you saw that Illumi was… was he blushing? Just a tiny bit, mostly around the ears, the eyes still giving away nothing. Softly, Illumi reached a hand out to gently brush it against Hisoka’s fingers. 

  
Softly he said “I know… I know that sometimes I hurt you, puppet. I know that you feel like you’re alone sometimes but that’s why I wanted you to come. I want to be better for you, and to let you know that I’m in this just as much as you are.”

  
The atmosphere of the room had turned so tender and electric that you felt like it was tough to keep up. These two looked like they were about to climb over the chairs and start making out, and you only had ten more minutes with them to make all this conversation count.

  
“Great!” You interjected brightly, breaking them out of their reverie. You clicked your pen once and pulled out your legal pad. 

  
“Let’s get started on laying out the plan for our next session.”

::CHAPTER 1 END::

**Author's Note:**

> Again, expect the next chapter soonish?? And so many thanks n credit to my friend Sunmi!


End file.
